New Dad Series

  • Man to Father: The Quiet Transition

    It doesn’t happen at the same time for everyone. For some, it’s the moment they find out their spouse is pregnant. For others, it occurs during labor, or when they first set eyes on their newborn. Still, for others, it may happen the first night they stay up trying to put their baby to sleep, during the first diaper change, or the moment their baby looks at them. At any random moment, the realization can hit you: You are no longer just a man, but a father. This can be both exciting and scary at the same time. A range of emotions can run through your mind, and that’s okay. As long as you’re ready to step up into your new role.

    Whether you’re ready, or not, things will change quickly, from your mindset to your schedule, priorities, and interests, among other things. Before becoming a father, it was easier to sleep through the night, plan vacations, take part in hobbies, or go out on date nights. Suddenly, routine things like going to the grocery store, or even using the restroom, will take a certain amount of planning because there is another life that depends on you 100%. There was more freedom in the way you could think prior to becoming a father, as those decisions did not carry as much weight. Likely they only affected you, and perhaps your spouse/partner. However, having a small life will make the decisions in your life feel heavier. Should you spend that hundred bucks to go out to dinner, or should you put it aside for a rainy day? Is it okay to go hiking in the woods without your phone, or do you need to be available for emergencies? Should you spend the weekend working to make more money or is it more important to stay at home with the kiddo. With each decision, you become more concerned about safety, stability, and whether what you’re doing is enough.

    Do things become worse after becoming a father? Absolutely not. However, things become much different. You don’t lose yourself. You expand and become a greater version. You may still have the same goals, ambitions, interests, and drive, but you obtain a different purpose: to build a legacy for yourself, and your family. You’re not just building for yourself any longer, but also a smaller version of you. When you work on your goals, your son or daughter are watching too. When you go to the gym or exercise, you’re also trying to stay healthy for your little one. Basically, you’re living for two people now. Or, three, or four, or more, depending on how many kids you end up having.

    I’m going to make this a multiple-post blog, because there is much information to cover about the transition to fatherhood. But just know, that the realization can come out of nowhere and hit you like a ton of bricks. Don’t worry, though. Your life is not over; it’s just beginning.

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  • Can You Be Tired if You’re Not a Parent?

    This has always been a bit of a pet peeve of mine, both before we had a child and even now. There is a mindset many parents have: you can’t complain about being tired if you don’t have kids. Childless people have no idea what being tired is. I’m going to call BS on this. I’m sorry if this offends anyone. Actually, no, I’m not. If you think that the only way you’re allowed to be tired is if you have kids, then you’re entitled. People are allowed to be tired and express this, as well.

    There are many reasons why people are tired. Maybe they didn’t sleep well. Perhaps they’re sick. They could have worked long hours at their job. Perhaps they’re caring for a sick loved one. Or, they might just be having an off day, for whatever reason. The bottom line is, people are allowed to be tired, and they don’t have to be parents to feel this way.

    Yes, with children, when you are responsible for another life 24/7, there is a different type of mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion that comes with it. However, parents do not hold a monopoly on exhaustion. Therefore, if a childless person tells you they’re tired, I hope you don’t get snobby about it. That individual is fully allowed to feel this way.

    For those of you who have issues with what I just said, let me ask you a question: How would you feel if you had one or two kids, but someone else who has five or six kids tells you that you have no right to feel tired? Would that be okay? I certainly don’t think so. Before I had a kid, I was tired plenty of times. Mainly because I was always on the go with minimal sleep. Now, with a child, it’s definitely a different level, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that i was exhausted before too. We all get tired, and if you are tired, I hope you get some rest real soon. Well, thanks for reading my rant. Have a freat day!

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  • When to Take Your Newborn Out Into the Public

    I mean, unless, you had your baby at home, they are already born in a public place. In all seriousness, though, you don’t have to wait that long to begin taking them out. My wife and I are outgoing people who love to travel and go out to restaurants. Therefore, we couldn’t wait to start taking our little guy out and into the world. Before I go any further, I would like you all to know that you need to take your own baby’s needs into account. For instance, if they have an illness that causes immunosuppression, please take that into consideration and speak to your pediatrician about safe exposure to public settings.

    Is there a hard and fast rule on when and where to take your kiddo out into the public? Not really. Much of it depends on the parents’ comfort level. Some parents want to keep their kids in a bubble and isolated from the world as long as possible, while others have no fear and will let their newborns go anywhere and around anyone. The right answer is probably somewhere in the middle. Some friends were surprised I brought my son to work to meet coworkers.

    Begin with a small outing, maybe to the store, or just a stroll around the neighborhood. Slowly move up from there. We took our son out for the first time to his pediatrician and then to the grocery store. A few days later, we took him to meet some friends from work and then we went to a restaurant. From there, we slowly increased the amount of exposure as we felt comfortable. We didn’t bubble wrap out kiddo and isolate him from the world. However, we didn’t just go all out and start letting strangers touch him all over. Even healthy new borns will have weak and developing immune systems, so you have to practice some precautions.

    As the days, weeks, and months went by, we went out and traveled more and more. We took road trips and even traveled internationally. Our infant definitely got many outings and continues to do so. Once again, speak with your pediatrician about safe outing practices for your particular newborn, especially if they have certain immunosuppressive conditions.

    There are some things to consider before going out, and these revolve around the baby’s needs. Try to feed and change them prior to going out and assure their other needs are met as much as possible. Have plenty of diapers, wipes, extra clothes, snacks, milk/formula, and whatever else your infant may need while out and about. Always remember that infants can’t regulate their body temperatures too well yet, so be extra prepared for the elements. Just becasue you don’t feel too hot or too cold, does not mean the baby doesn’t. It’s a lot of fun watching your kids slowly learn about the world around them. So. get out there and have a great time.

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  • An Important Lesson in Fatherhood

    Becoming a dad doesn’t come with a manual. One day, life is normal—and the next, you’re holding a tiny human who depends on you for everything.

    At first, you think your job is to have all the answers. To be strong. To never mess up. But the truth is, the first real lesson of fatherhood is this: you’re going to learn as you go.

    You’ll get things wrong. You’ll feel overwhelmed. You’ll be more tired than you’ve ever been. But, somehow, in the middle of all that, you’ll grow. You’ll become more patient, more present, and more aware of what really matters. Those tiny hands will guide you and build you up into a better man!

    Your child doesn’t need a perfect dad. They need you—showing up, trying, and loving them every single day. This goes back to an earlier post where I discussed being present versus being perfect.

    That’s enough, and it always will be.

  • Time Management

    No matter where you are in life, time management is essential to get ahead. While we have so many more resources at our disposal, (i.e. phones, internet, podcasts) there are also many more distractions. As a new father, your baby will require much of your time, especially if you are a present father. Time management becomes even more crucial if you want to be a good father, provider, spouse/partner, while continuing to maintain your career, health, friendships, and whatever else is important to you.

    Time management does not necessarily mean getting more down, but rather, protecting the important things in your life. Being busy is not the same thing as being productive. Anyone can be busy, but what are you busy doing? Sometimes, you can be busy doing nothing that brings value into yours, or anyone else’s lives. Productivity, on the other hand, means you are intentionally and effectively doing meaningful work while also protecting yourself, your time, your energy, and your focus.

    So, how do we become productive and manage our time effectively as new fathers? The following are some real-life hacks that will help:

    1. Time block your day: Depending on your schedule, make 3 blocks to get all of your important items done. In the morning, before work and other responsibilities, take this time to do something for yourself. Go to the gym, read a book, journal, or take care of things around the house. Wake up before anyone else and work on things that are important to you. For the afternoon, go to work or get all of the essential things done, like errands, appointments, etc. In the evening, focus on lighter tasks and spend time with your family. Whatever you are doing during the time blocks, stay focused on that task. Once again, adjust these time blocks based on what works best for your particular schedule.
    2. Follow the Top 3 Rule: Each and every day, pick three essential/must-do tasks that cover different areas of your life. For instance, perform one task related to your health, one related to your work/career, and one related to family. Here’s an example: get up in the morning and go for a walk, then finish up that important project at work, and then take your family out to dinner in the evening. Before going to bed, read a book and plan for the next day.
    3. Set up short power sessions: You don’t always need extended periods of time to get things done. For instance, you don’t need to spend two hours at the gym, or three hours working on your book. In fact, spending this much time may actually decrease productivity because we tend to lose concentration after a certain period of time. Instead, set up incremental power sessions that last about 20-30 minutes. Spend 30 minutes doing intense workouts, spend 30 minutes writing, spend 30 minutes on chores, spend 30 minutes with a family activity. Make these short sessions powerful, non-negotiable, and distraction free.
    4. Stack certain habits together: There are times that you can do various tasks at the same time. For example, listen to an audiobook or educational podcast while driving or walking. Exercise while watching TV. Make walking around the neighborhood a family activity.
    5. Reduce decision fatigue by reducing decision-making on menial things: Decide on a healthy meal for breakfast and eat that daily. Decide what clothes you’ll wear for the week ahead of time. Set up specific days and times for working out. Plan family activities ahead of time. Of course, it’s okay to deviate from this once in a while. If you decide on a whim to go out to a restaurant, do it. If you decide last-minute to wear a new outfit, do it. Just don’t spend excessive amounts of time on these decisions. They are truly a time waster.
    6. Work with your baby’s schedule. When the baby sleeps, do your deep work or do some work around the house. Also, you can use this opportunity to nap if you’re tired.

    Remember to work with your partner and their schedule also. Make sure you are supporting each other to ensure you both get family and personal time.

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  • Preventing Burnout as a New Dad

    Being a father is rewarding and a great gift. The time you get to spend with your kiddos should truly be treasured, because these moments fly by quickly. A major reality that is often ignored is burnout for new fathers. This is generally from sleep deprivation, pressure to provide, and loss of personal time. While this was seen more traditionally with moms, who are often the primary nurturer, and obviously the ones who are giving birth, dads also experience these struggles, especially with modern fathers taking on more nurturing and caring roles. Bottomline: burnout for dads is a real thing and the following are some methods to help avoid crashing out.

    1. Don’t have unrealistic expectations. Be the best father you can be, but don’t try to be perfect. Certainly don’t beat yourself up for not being perfect, because it will never happen. Be present and consistent. Let your kiddos know you love them. Avoid comparisons with other dads, especially when all you know is what’s on social media. Accept the fact that some days will be better than others.
    2. Protect your sleep at all costs. Sleep deprivation does not only cause burnout, but it can be harmful to health and be dangerous for us and others. Split night duties with your spouse or partner. Take naps whenever possible, even for 20 or 30 minutes. You’ll be amazed by what a powernap can do.
    3. Work as a team with your partner. Communicate with each other regularly. Stay up on each other’s needs. Make sure to rotate responsibilities, like errands, diaper changes, feedings, etc. Each partner may have specific roles, so do what works best for you two. If you notice signs of burnout in your partner, step up and see how you can help.
    4. Never fully lose your identity. Yes, you will become a different person after becoming a father. While you may have spent your free time before watching sports, working in the yard, or just chilling on the couch. Now, it may consist of watching cartoons, playing in the sandbox, or having teatime. Despite the changes you go through, always hold onto a piece of your identity. What activities did you enjoy doing before? Hiking? working out? Reading? Working on your car? Cooking? If you enjoyed these activities before, there is no reason to let them go now. Will you be able to do them as often? Probably not; but engage in them whenever you can. If you can eventually incorporate your kids into your hobbies, that’s even better.
    5. Take care of your body. This is important. Be active, eat healthy meals, stay hydrated, get massages, do some deep breathing and anything else to keep your body healthy.
    6. Talk to other dads. You may have friends who are fathers that you can reach out to. However, if you don’t want to go this route, then there are plenty of online groups and forums for dads out there.

    As a dad, you shouldn’t have to just handle it. It’s okay to ask for help, and the earlier you do so, the better the outcome. Watch for early signs of burnout, like fatigue, irritability, feeling emotionally numb, and dreading time at home. Burnout does not usually show up at once, but snowballs over time, and before you know it, we are having nervous breakdowns. When you notice these early signs, act immediately. Better yet, act before you even see these signs.

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  • 5 Mistakes New Dads Make

    Okay, so I plan to do more of these types of posts, but for now, I’ll focus on 5 common mistakes new fathers can make. By the way, I make mistakes as a father too. Everyone does. So, this is definitely not meant to be a holier-than-thou post. That being said, hopefully these types of posts can provide education and prevent common errors from occurring. As a results, we can all become more present and caring fathers. So, here are some common mistakes that are made:

    1. Thinking only the mother matters and dad is not needed. This may be controversial for the folks out there who dismiss and downplay fatherhood, but screw those people, because dads are important too. If a baby can have two strong parental figures in their lives, then it’s a tremendous benefit. Yes, the baby will most likely bond to their mom first, but they will bond strongly to their father also. Therefore, hold the baby as soon as you can once it is born. I know it can be nerve-wracking but do it! Perform skin-to-skin time. Help change diapers give baths. Believe it or not, changing diapers and bathing are great bonding moments. The sooner you get involved with your baby, the stronger the bond will become.
    2. Not helping with night duties. Sleep is important, for both the mother and the father. Therefore, help with night duties. A newborn will need feeding and changing every couple of hours, and this does not suddenly pause at night. However you need to split it up, make sure you are contributing to the baby’s needs and allowing your partner to get their needed rest. One thing you can do is take separate night shifts. For instance, if she was on night duty last night, then you take it tonight. Or, if she gets up the first time, you get up the next time. Whatever works best for you two.
    3. Not paying attention to your own mental health. Mental health is important and some dads think they just need to keep quiet and not care about their own needs. This is a falsity. Definitely take the time to care for yourself. Do things you enjoy, like going to the gym, or playing cards. Talk to your partner if you feel overwhelmed. Reach out to other dads. There are definitely support groups out there for dads, whether it’s to receive some type of therapy, or a group that engages in activities together, like hiking or bowling. Your own needs and wellbeing are essential.
    4. Forgetting about the relationship. Yes, the baby’s needs will become the priority, but don’t forget that you have a partner still. Don’t ignore the relationship. communicate regularly, go out on dates, and continue to enjoy each other’s company. If there are friends or family that can watch the baby for a couple of hours, take advantage of it. Caring about the relationship with your partner does not make you a bad or neglectful parent. In fact, in the long run, it will make you an even better parent.
    5. Worrying about perfection, rather than presence. News flash: you are not going to be the perfect dad. Not everyone can be like me. Lol, I kid, I jest. But in all seriousness, don’t obsess about being the perfect dad. You never will be. None of us truly are. Be the best father you can be and learn as you go. However, don’t kick yourself for every little mistake. There are plenty of resources out there to help you. Basically, be a present father, provide for their needs, keep them safe, show them love, and have patience, for the baby, yourself, and your partner.

    I hope this list is helpful and insightful. If you have any questions or suggestions, let me know and thanks for reading!

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  • The Little Things That Get You Excited!

    Before, you became a father, you were propbably excited about certain things like getting a raise/promotion at work, getting to eat your favorite meal, watching your team win the big game, or hanging out with your buddies. While those things may still excite you, there will be a whole other realm of things that will bring the same amount of joy; maybve even more. These will be related to your kiddo and watching them grow up. For instance, every time your son or daughter performs a new act, it will get you excited. Whenever they say a new word, it will get you excited. Whenever they learn something new, it will get you excited. When they look at you and say, “Daddy!” it will most certainly get you excited.

    Did you ever think you’d get excited about someone using the restroom? Well, the first time your child uses the toilet, instead of the diaper, it will excite you. If they haven’t pooped in a while, and then they have a good poop, you will be excited. It may sound crazy, but a lot of the little things, which are actually big things in the long run, will get you excited. Yes, it does happen when you become a father, so go on and enjoy the things that make you feel good inside.

  • Everything At Once, or Taking Shifts?

    As a father, you and your spouse, or partner, will have to work together to get the best results as far as taking care of the baby and yourselves. The main question is whether it’s better to handle things at once or use the shift method. In some cases, this may be situational, however, much of the time, it’s better to engage in the shift method, so you are getting things done, taking care of the baby, and supporting each other.

    First of all, what is the shift method? This means one person is handling the responsibilities, while the other is resting or partaking in self-care. For instance, during the day, you, as the father, can get some rest, take naps, work on projects, or whatever, while the mother takes care of the baby. Then, at night, the mother rests, while you take care of the baby, getting up to feed, change diapers, and provide comfort, etc. Essentially, you are working together but taking turns.

    Will this be a perfect system? Of course not. There will need to be flexibility involved. After all, life, in general, is unpredictable and even more so when children are involved. For instance, while you’re watching the baby, the mother may not get a chance to rest. She may have to work or do some chores around the house, and you may need to do the same while she’s watching the baby. It is what it is. However, take every opportunity you can to rest and support each other in doing so.

    Remember that the shift method can be used in shorter spurts throughout the day. For example, 2 hours on and 2 hours off, or something similar to this schedule.

  • Do I Give Up My Hobbies?

    Becoming a dad changes you in many ways. One major thing that changes is your schedule. Many tasks, activities, errands, and hobbies have to be done around the kids’ schedules. In order to be a present father, you have to prioritize your kiddos; that’s a given. However, when it comes to being a present parent and having hobbies, it does not have to be one or the other.

    While it can be more challenging to maintain your previous lifestyle and interests, becoming a parent does not mean completely altering your identity. Yes, you will be a dad, but you can also be a dad and a golfer, or a dad and a fisherman, or a dad and a bowler, or a dad and an artist, or a dad and a runner, and so on and so forth. Basically, you can still keep your previous identity while being a good, supportive parent.

    This will actually make you a better father as it will give you time to enjoy what you love, which will make you appreciate fatherhood even more. Staying connected to your passions will make you an overall more well-balanced parent. No matter how much we love your kids, it’s not a secret that we must all step away to take a breather. Don’t ever feel guilty about doing this.

    The question is, how can we stay connected to our passions while still being present fathers? Right off the bat, time management will be a major factor here. Before becoming a parent, you may have had large amounts of uninterrupted time to engage in your hobbies. However, that won’t be the case any longer. Being a present father means spending quality time with kids without distractions. Even if it’s just for 15-20 minutes, be present with your children and engage with them. Ask them questions, play with them, talk to them, horse around, laugh, and just let them know you are there and nothing else matters in that moment.

    In order to fit your hobbies into your daily life as a parent, rearrange your time schedule. Wake up before your children and do some reading, exercise, write, paint, watch the sunrise, or do whatever you enjoy doing. If you’re a night owl, then wait till your kiddos go to sleep and then engage in your desired activities. If your hobbies need to be done during the day, then block off certain times that are just for you. Be deliberate about creating this time and set boundaries with others in your home so they know not to interrupt unless there is an emergency. How much time should you block off? That depends on the hobby, in question. For instance, practicing a musical instrument or going for a run may require 30 minutes. Going on a hike or fishing may require more due to prep time. Regardless, be diligent with your schedule and make it worthwhile, whether it’s spending time with your kids, or engaging in your favorite activities.

    Another option, and this may be the best one, is to turn your hobbies into shared experiences. Basically, including your kiddos in your favorite past times. If you love to write, maybe write a poem, or short story together. Take your son and/or daughter to the gym with you. Play your favorite musical instrument in front of them. Doing this will make you a present parent with intention and also allow you to take part in what you love.

    Of course, there needs to be some amount of flexibility with your time. Life is full of variables and unexpected events. This can throw a wrench into your schedule. However, don’t fret, just pivot. Readjust your calendar as much as you need. For instance, if you couldn’t go running in the morning, find some time in the afternoon or evening. If you didn’t get to go fishing today, try going tomorrow or later in the week. Be deliberate with your time but don’t panic if things don’t always go your way.

    One final thing to remember is to not forget about your spouse, or the mother of your child. Present mothers need space and time for their own activities. So, whenever you can, step in so the mother has the opportunity to take a break and participate in her favorite past times. Both parents need to do this, so always help each other achieve this goal.

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New Dad Series